Paul Georges . Alterego Construction

I was looking for enlightenment… but nothing came and no one could help. No enlightenment… however, I do have light. You can’t even imagine how much these tiny aluminum cups filled with wax mean to me Greg… from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Walking down St-Jean I found myself. I found myself in every single person walking down that one way street. I could not help but be frightened. Everyone looked like me. Everyone was dressed like me. Same haircut. Same shoes. Do they think like me? Are they pleased with the way they are living? Do I wish I could be like them: out on a Saturday night stroll to a familiar place filled with boring familiar faces. Happy-go-lucky. Not a worry in the world. Ignorance is bliss.

“In joy and pain each one will grow
For wisdom is so much more than what we know
And every child will find their way
Of living the whole life story day by day”
The Cinematic Orchestra - Time and Space

Are both necessary? How far ahead is it? Which way? Is it truly whole?

Come next week, my brother and his girlfriend (who I now consider to be part of my close family) will no longer be living in Québec City. It’s a strange feeling to lose those that you love without really losing them. Their departure makes me want to leave as well. To discover something new. In my honest opinion, we, as humans, were not meant to be sedentary. If we were, then I must be terrible failure to society. Everyone seems to be moving, whether it be to discover or to return to that which is known and safe, tried and true.

You never know what you have until it’s gone. I can’t help but think retrospectively sometimes and wonder how life would have been if I would have been more present in the lives of those that I love. If I would have worked harder at school. If I would never have come back from Sweden.

Sometimes it feels like I’ve not really accomplished anything truly gratifying since I’ve come to Québec. I have not really accomplished anything special in quite a long time. I walked at eight months, I must have talked but a month or so later. I have an amazing family and the world’s best friends. I’ve gotten everything I could have ever possibly wanted handed to me on a fucking silver platter. All this, yet, I have not accomplished anything. Everything on my side, yet I still feel like a useless nobody with nothing to share, nothing to give and nothing to be proud of. I can’t believe how totally pathetic I sound… what a fucking disgrace.

Don’t leave me alone. It’s the cause of all this.

Just a short post to link up a review that was posted on 33Mag by a young lady I met at the show called Eva: she was shooting photographs at the show. Given that I had not brought my camera (stupid choice) I couldn’t help but ask her if she could somehow let me in on her little treasure. Not only did she take amazing photographs at the show, she wrote a wonderful review of the gig in perfect prose. Gênez vous surtout pas!

Thanks again Eva for the wonderful comment and for the review and accompanying photographs!

An Autumn breeze on a late night. A supper with friends. A heart-wrenching candle-lit performance. A swift passage of distant memories. I may be cursed to eternal dissatisfaction but at least I’m not one that is hard to please.

Great Lake Swimmers remind me of too many things: so many memories, some wonderful, others terrible and those that are wonderful but make me feel terrible (and vice-versa, if that’s even possible). One year ago, at this very time, I was waking up to breakfast in Sweden with roommates that couldn’t get over my obsession with peanut and jam. One year ago, at this very time, I was getting ready to leave for school on my bike, through the walkways of Ryd, through the Swedish morning dusk. One year ago, at this very time, I felt like nothing could possibly stop me or get in my way on my quest to uncover the meaning of life and the source of happiness. If only it was that simple…

I couldn’t help but cry through “A Song For The Angels”… and for some reason, I had to tell the singer how much the live interpretation of the song meant to me. It’s just one of those things that I had to do in order to feel and to be felt. One of those things that I obsess about. Why do I constantly feel this urge to be noticed, to be understood?

I wish Mathieu was around for the show. I wish I had more friends that listened to Great Lake Swimmers and music of the likes. I sometimes wish I was an indie scenster with indie friends that wear indie clothes and have an indie lifestyle… maybe then my life would make more sense. On the other hand, maybe it would be a total chaotic meaningless mess.

It’s getting cold in Québec. Fall’s definately here. I’m still trying to comprehend my whole love/hate relationship that I share with it. Walking on St-Jean with a cool breeze blowing through your hair is so wonderful and calming, yet terribly depressing.

Muted music played on the streets of a neighborhood which I now call home. A cold/warm/orange/grey sky. A sense of calm. A chill of fear. A harsh glimpse of what is to come. La virée des feuilles. The trendy artists, faggots and bums that crowd the sidewalks of the route I walk everyday. Autumn.

I remember writing an email to François, begging him to take pictures of the fallen leaves on Lockwell street just around this time of year, maybe just a bit later. I was homesick. I would have done anything to set foot on that street for just an hour or so… to sit in Parc Lockwell and just observe the busy passerbys. This year the tables have turned: how I wish I could lay down in the tall yellow grass off the bike trails of Ryd near the soccer field and listen to Sarah Harmer as the clouds above drove past me at unmeasurable speeds. Life is a funny thing… it seems that the grass is unfortunately always greener on the other side. So what’s the solution? How do we find happiness within our routine? How do we feel free and well without attempting to grasp what could be, what we don’t presently have and most importantly without hurting those we love.

It’s two in the morning. I can hear people screaming outside, making themselves heard. They are the smart ones.

An Autumn breeze on a late night.

Well folks, this blog is officially back in business! I’ve taken care of most of the problems mentioned in the previous post using good ol’ brute force. I unfortunately had to delete all your comments and disactivate all interesting plugins in order to clean things up but I didn’t have many choices available. Hopefully I’ll get Last.fm and Flickr reconnected on here soon enough!

Many blog posts to come… I have a feeling that I’ll be needing to get things out of my system this coming Autumn… à bientôt!